Presenter: Dan E. Staso, Ph.D.
Dr. Staso: Welcome to our bariatric support group meeting here in
San Pedro at Peninsula Hospital. Tonight, I would like to talk to you about ways
to deal with criticism.
One of our goals at these meetings is to learn strategies that will reduce your
overall level of stress. Stress is often a trigger for overeating. For some
people the feelings associated with believing they are being criticized can be
quite stressful. Here are come common responses that people have told me they do
when they feel criticized:
"I shut down. I become frozen. I retaliate with anger and blame. I withdraw and
run away. I act silly and laugh it off. I ignore it but still hurt inside. I
internalize my anger and stew over it."
Let’s talk about more effective ways of dealing with criticism. First, its
important to know that the real reason we get upset when we perceive others are
making negative comments to us is that it turns on our own voice of the inner
critic. Inner criticism is often triggered by someone else's sharp remark. Do
you ever consider why criticism is so hurtful to some people, while others can
remain unperturbed in the face of the most abusive attacks?
You see it is not other people, or the critical comments they make, that upset
you. No matter how vicious, heartless, or cruel those comments may be, they have
no power to disturb you. When another person criticizes you, certain negative
thoughts are automatically triggered in your head. Your emotional reaction is
created by these thoughts, and not by what the other person says.
It is important to learn to identify the negative thoughts you have when you are
being criticized. There is a powerful method that I recommend, called the
ÎTriple-Column’ technique. In the first column, you enter what you said to
yourself after hearing the comment. In the second column, you identify what type
of thought distortion you were using that caused your emotional reaction. In the
third and last column, enter a rational rebuttal to your initial irrational
thought. You will find an excellent discussion of this method in a book by David
Burns, MD, Feeling Good Handbook.
If the comments other people make about you are wrong, there is really nothing
for you to be upset about. Why should you be disturbed if someone else makes the
mistake of criticizing you in an unjust manner? That is the other person's
error, not yours. So why upset yourself? Did you expect that other people would
be perfect? On the other hand, if the criticism is accurate, there is still no
reason for you to feel overwhelmed. You are not expected to be perfect. Just
acknowledge your error and take whatever steps you can to correct it.
Of course, you may fear criticism because you feel you need the love and
approval of other people in order to be worthwhile and happy. The problem with
this point of view is that you will have to devote all of your energies to
trying to please people, and you won't have much left for creative, productive
living.
Only your thoughts can upset you, and if you learn to think more realistically,
you will feel less upset.
Here are some practical steps to handling criticism more effectively:
Strategies for Dealing with Criticism
Step 1: Empathy
When someone is criticizing or attacking you, ask the person a series of
specific questions designed to find out exactly what he or she means. Try to
avoid being judgmental or defensive as you ask the questions. Attempt to see the
world through the critic's eyes, even if you feel the criticism is totally
unjust. Find out precisely what your critic means.
Step 2: Disarm the Critic
Whether your critic is right or wrong, initially you should find some way to
agree with him or her. If someone is shooting at you, you have three choices:
a. you can stand and shoot back (this usually leads to warfare and mutual
destruction),
b. you can run away or try to dodge the bullets (resulting in humiliation and a
loss of self-esteem),
c. you can stay put and skillfully disarm your opponent.
This is how you disarm. If the person criticizes you unfairly and the criticism
is completely invalid, you can agree in principal with the criticism, or you can
find some grain of truth in the statement and agree with that. Do not attempt to
defend yourself when you are unjustly accused. This is a major mistake. If you
give in and defend yourself, you'll find that the intensity of your opponent's
attack increases.
Step 3: Feedback and Negotiation
Once you have listened to your critic and disarmed him or her, you will be in a
position to explain your position tactfully and assertively, and to negotiate
any real differences. Let's assume your critic is completely wrong. You can
express your point of view objectively with an acknowledgment that you might be
wrong. Make the conflict one that is based on facts rather than personality or
pride. Avoid directing destructive labels at your critic.
If your critic is completely correct, and you are wrong, assertively agree with
the criticism. Your critic's respect for you will probably increase. Thank the
person for providing you with the information and apologize for any hurt you
might have caused. This can be amazingly effective.
As a general rule, when someone insults you, you will either be sad, mad, or
glad. You make the choice. You become sad if you believe the critic is right.
You jump to the conclusion that you were in the wrong and made a mistake. If you
choose the mad route, you will defend yourself from the horrors of being
imperfect by trying to convince the critic that he or she is a monster. You will
stubbornly refuse to admit any error because according to your perfectionist
standards, this would be tantamount to admitting you are a worthless person. The
third option requires that you either have self-esteem, or at least act as if
you did. It is based on the premise that you are a worthwhile human being and
have no need to be perfect.
I hope these thoughts have been helpful. I will see you again soon.
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